The Borderline, Separation Sensitive Self Structure
The split object relations part units for those preoccupied by relationships
This is the final section on self structures before I move onto the working through parts of the book. The object relations part units for each of the disorders of self are technical. It’s hard-going but good-going because an understanding of how the self got split, is crucial for understanding how and what needs to be worked through to become a whole, real self.
The borderline is poised for self activation. They can appear less competent than the other disorders of self but are in fact, far more resourced to be self responsible but hold themselves back and resist growing because, unconsciously, they fear they will lose the object’s love. And so, their main defence is to cling. There’s a need to be looked after and this becomes a fixation point to feeling loved. The borderline, separation sensitive person believes that the function of others is to look after them. Their nurturing, pleasing side is to “buy love.” Being looked after in order to feel loved is their end goal. And so there is this feeling of being owed and hard done by and a resistance to planting both feet in adult life. Their need for love is often greater than their desire for growth. The borderline, separation sensitive person resists change; they hold ourselves back from finding out who they truly are because they don’t want to face the pain of letting go of their need for others to fill their cup of unmet longings and needs.
The main characteristic that distinguishes those with a borderline or separation sensitive attachment structure from the other disorders of self, is their use of relationship as a defence against the abandonment depression. There is an unconscious hope that the other person will “heal” early attachment wounds but when the other fails to meet these intense emotional needs, the borderline, separation sensitive person feels betrayed and will quickly devalue to protect themselves from further hurt. They fear abandonment and crave connection.
The rewarding part object relations unit consists of quadrant 1, which is the internalised representation of the other that offers approval for regressive, clinging behaviour, and quadrant 2, is the internalised representation of the self that feels special, unique and wanted for being small and dependent. This is the dynamic of needing to be needed and wanted based on Ronald Fairbairn’s idea of the exciting object; the internalised experience of a caregiver who tantalised the child with the hope of love and care but never delivered. Here, the self has split off from the pain of the cup always being left empty, and attached to the pursuit of an illusory garden of eden, utopian relationship where all will be well. Because the object is based on an illusion, the cup remains feeling empty and this is why, there can be an intense pursuit of a person, even if that person is abusive, because it’s based on a false hope. The borderline, separation sensitive person puts all their eggs in someone else’s basket and so they have no belief in their own capacities and undervalue themselves. They feel they are not deserving of the good things in life; deep down, they don’t feel they deserve any of life’s goods and riches. They feel fundamentally bad for being themselves, and they will go out of their way to prove just how bad they are, unless they’re getting cared for and loved—that is the split. Putting those together in an integrated way means having to process the bits and pieces of the abandonment depression and frightening feelings of core self collapse until the object relations becomes whole.
Rewarding Part Object Relations Unit:
1. Part-object representation is a maternal part-object which offers approval of regressive and clinging behaviour
Affective experience is feeling good, being taken care of, being loved, gratifying the wish for reunion, being fed, and special
2. Part-self representation is of being the good, passive, pleasing; who has a unique “special child” quality
Withdrawing/Aggressive Part Object Relations Unit:
3. Part-object representation is of a maternal part-object which withdraws, is angry and critical of efforts toward separation and individuation
Affective experience is homicidal rage, suicidal depression, panic, hopelessness, helplessness, emptiness, void, and guilt
4. Part-self representation is of being inadequate, bad, ugly
The borderline, separation sensitive person intensely pursues illusions of connection from others, because the focus on relationship and holding tightly to the wish for reunion, defends against connecting with Quadrant 4, the internalised self as bad and ugly, and the associated abandonment depression feelings, which are paradoxically, the authentic feelings of having grown up being on the receiving end of profound parental unavailability or too much punishment, neglect, abuse; a caregiver so trapped by their own projections they were mind blind to their child. The borderline, separation sensitive person does not like giving up hope of getting love and care from others to make them feel good about themselves. They often project onto others that somehow they’re going to be their saviour. They can invoke a “for heavens sake” response from others because they do not see that if they want a better life, it is their responsibility for getting their act together as an essential adult task. Generally, they tend to be under-responsible and lament about all this unfairness and “why do they have to do all this work?” They can have a “girl-woman”, “boy-man” or “abandoned child” quality. All disorders of self are abandoned but the one it sits most concretely with is the borderline, separation sensitive. And if there’s an established rewarding object relations unit in the borderline mind, they will be more clingy, regard others as the saviour they never had; they’re going to follow the illusion closely and they’re going to comply, try and please, and get validation from others.
The borderline, separation sensitive person will hold on for dear life the illusion of connection. Without the hope of being loved and taken care of, what is the point of living? This is how deep the reunion fantasy goes. And so they keep seeking a caretaking object but only in the way they think they need to be cared for. When the other is vulnerable and depend on them completely, they feel worthy. Being dependent and needy insures them against abandonment. In the rewarding unit, they need to keep others close. Those who are borderline, separation sensitive can also engage in distancing behaviour and fluctuate between clinging and distancing just a as a borderline parent does in order to manipulate the feelings of their child—”punish so you will stay close to me, punish you for not being close enough to me, and make you stick to me more.”
If they are no longer needed, if the object of their love gets stronger or better, or if they themselves get stronger or better, they feel unnecessary, unwanted, and abandoned. The borderline, separation sensitive person will sacrifice their own growth because there is a profound fear that if they become independent, or the other becomes independent, they will be left. Their wish is that there’s no separating self out from other. They make themselves indispensable so others won’t leave them.
If others don’t take care of them, the borderline, separation sensitive person feels like they are too much; they feel that they are the problem, they are making their life a mess, and that they are exaggerating. If they are perfect and be what the other want them to be, they can avoid abandonment and won’t have to look inside. Regressive dependency is how the self connects with the other. But of course, you can only reclaim yourself when you can look inside for what you need.
